NOTE TO SELF

There is no

easy way to say this,

so I might as well

just go ahead

and lay it on the line,

because in the end,

no matter how much

I try to cushion

the impact of what

I’m about to say,

you’re going to

have to deal with it

sooner or later.

Now, please don’t be

unduly alarmed.

Keep in mind

that people can survive

almost anything,

and persevere

under almost any

circumstances.

And you can make it

through this.

You’re not in this alone.

You’ve got friends

and family who will

serve as buoys

in the roiling sea

that will be your life

after you hear the words

I’m about to say.

You know, sometimes

life deals you a card

you don’t want dealt.

And late last night

that happened to me.

Around midnight,

I was dealt a responsibility

I’d rather never have to face.

I was informed

that I had been chosen

to be the one

to tell you this.

Now I was awake all night

trying to figure out

the best way to do it.

I’m going on

virtually no sleep.

At best, I dozed

for a half hour.

Around four,

I decided to open

with those words

of reassurance

I wanted you to hear.

Was this the

best approach?

I don’t know.

I’ve been back and forth

with this all day.

I’m not going to lie to you,

this is really hard on me.

All day I’ve felt this

crushing weight on my chest.

I hyperventilated twice,

and once I actually thought

I may be having a heart attack.

Now, don’t worry, I’m not.

I’m fine. Lord knows,

you’ve got enough

worries of your own.

Or you will have in a minute.

The last thing you need

is to be worrying about me.

I’m sure all it is, is stress.

Listen, I’ve been

reading a lot lately

about breathing techniques,

how you can calm

your metabolism

and lower your

physical stress levels at will.

And today I’ve been

putting that knowledge

to good use.

I also took a Valium

about an hour ago.

More than anything, though,

just getting this behind me

is going to help.

I think that after it’s all

out in the open,

as stressful as that will be,

I’ll be able to get a handle on it.

When you factor in the Valium,

the breathing exercises

and the fact that I’m going

on virtually no sleep,

I think I’ll be able to

get some rest tonight.

That alone will, I think,

make a world of difference.

Oh, hold on a sec.

Phone call.

Listen.

That was my taxidermist.

I’m going to have to

pick this up later.

But remember,

no matter how bad things

might seem at first,

rest assured that

with some love, luck,

and a little Valium,

I’ll be ok.

ttyl

Waldorf O'Dougal